Odi et Amo
by Shushu
Summary: COMPLETE. After defeating Voldemort,Harry has to face another big problem: the Wizarding World’s homophobia. But maybe he hasn’t understood that he has an ally...slash (HPDM)
1. Odi

Odi et Amo

Author: Shushu

Rating: R (slash-aka boy/boy sex- in future chapters, you've been warned: don't like, don't read!)

Pairing: Harry/Draco

Disclaimers: All the characters belong to J.K. Rowling, etc etc…

Author's notes: this fic was meant to be a one-shot, but since it's a bit long I've decided to divide it into 4 chapters. English is not my first language, sorry for all the faults I've made. I've also translated Catullus's poem and I hope I haven't made to many mistakes. I hope you'll like this fanfic. Reviews are really appreciated!!!!

Chapter One: **Odi**

__

"Odi et amo. Quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.

Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior."

Catullus, 85

"I hate and love. You may wonder how it is possible.

I don't know, but I feel it happening and it hurts."

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

"Fuck off, fag!"

The harsh words hit me but they can't hurt me anymore. I've heard them so many times now, that I'm almost accustomed to them. I've become numb.

I look at him with a smirk on my lips.

"I'll try to remember your kind words next time I'll have to save your arse from a Death Eater, Justin."

He goes away muttering something incomprehensible.

He was right, though. I'm a fag. "The Faggot Boy" is my new nickname. They created it last year, after I had defeated Voldemort, when all the Wizarding World discovered I am gay. I kissed my best friend Ron when I found out he hadn't died in the Great War. I was so happy he was alive (at that time I had a big crush on him) that I didn't bother checking if someone was watching us. Unfortunately, a journalist was there. He took a couple of pictures; very beautiful photos in my opinion, but the other wizards didn't agree with me.

I didn't know that homosexuality was considered such a shameful thing in the Wizarding World. I realized it after the Daily Prophet published the photos.

A part of me is happy because now they don't bother me with their silly flattery anymore. Nobody wants my autograph, nobody wants to shake hands with me (they fear I could "infect" them), nobody wants to see me.

I hate them. They're so disgusting. I loathe them. They think they are right and I am wrong just because I don't like girls. They are so stupid. They can't understand they are the sick ones. They can't understand me and how I feel. They don't even try because they are afraid of discovering they might feel the same.

My fellow Gryffindors don't cherish me anymore. I've lost everything I had just because everyone has found out I like boys. Isn't that absurd? They don't think so…

Ron and Hermione are still my best (and only) friends. Hermione is too intelligent to believe in the crap the wizards think about homosexuality and Ron…well, after declaring that I have kissed him against his will and that he is in love with Hermione, he could forgive me and now we're trying to sort it out. I hope we will, I still love him – but only as a friend.

Living like this is difficult. People keep on insulting me, even if Dumbledore has tried to prevent them from treating me too badly because they "should be tolerant and patient" since I "had a difficult life and faced a terrible battle".

I think he does that just to save face.

Hagrid has died to protect me during the battle. I miss him so much that sometimes I think my heart will stop beating. I can manage to forget it during the day, when I have to fight against all of them, but when I'm alone in my bed at night, I can't help but cry because he and Sirius have died to save me and I don't think I'm worth that. I miss them so much. I don't kill myself only because of them. I have to live because my parents, Sirius and Hagrid have died for me. I don't have the right to commit suicide.

And moreover, I would do a favor to all those homophobic wizards, if I killed myself.

I would never do that.

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

"You should go out once in a while, Harry. We are in our seventh year and everybody is dating someone. I'm sure you're not the only gay in Hogwarts, there must be someone else! 10% of men are homosexual! All you have to do is go out and find them."

"Thank you, Hermione, it's very nice of you to say that, but even if there were gay boys here, do you think they would go out with me?"

"Why not? You're nice, you're cute and you've saved the world!"

"Yes, but everyone knows I'm gay. All the boys avoid me because they don't want to be classified as "poofs" and, honestly, who could blame them?"

Hermine looks at me with sad eyes.

"I'm sorry"

"You shouldn't be, 'Mione, it's not your fault. Go to Hogsmeade with Ron and don't worry, I'll be fine on my own."

"o.k."

She's so sweet to me. At least I have a good friend. Thanks God. If only she weren't the only one…

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

Since I'm all alone on a winter Saturday afternoon, I decide to go for a stroll. The ground is completely covered with snow and there is nobody around. Perfect. I take my coat on, put my scarf around my neck and wear my woollen gloves. I think I look like an idiot but at least I'm warm.

The air is chilly and I can feel my nose and ears freezing, but I keep on walking because I like it. It makes me feel alive.

The sky is white and it's snowing again. Everything's so silent now. I sit down on a bench near the lake to watch the snow falling on the frozen surface of the water. It's all so quiet and still. I can feel the shivers along my spine. I'm covered with snow.

I close my eyes and sigh. It would be so beautiful and peaceful to stay like this forever. All I have to do is fall asleep and I won't hear their voices anymore.

It would be so wonderful…

"Do you want to die, Potter?". I open my eyes and turn towards the voice. He's staring at me with those misty grey eyes.

"You could have asked me to kill you, I would have done it with pleasure."

"I don't doubt it, Malfoy…"

After I sent both his parent to Azkaban, he has tried to hurt me a couple of times, but I think he has changed his mind now. He's all alone. He hasn't been sent to prison because they couldn't prove he supported Voldemort but everybody knows the truth and treats him badly even if he seems to have understood that all he believed in was a lot of bullshit. He's not the arrogant git he used to be. At least not with the other people.

I am the only one with whom he behaves as usual. He still teases and provokes me but, unlike all the others, he doesn't make fun of me because I'm gay. He doesn't consider this aspect. Time seems to have stopped when we are together. He is the only one who hasn't changed his attitude towards me and I'm the only one who doesn't blame him for what he used to be. I know he has changed. I can feel it when I look at him, when I talk to him, when he stares at me in silence with those sad grey eyes. As if he were pleading me to do something. But I can't understand what he wants.

Comprehension?

Sympathy?

Friendship?

How can we become friends after what has happened? I used to hate him so much. I can't forget everything he's done and said just because now he's as broken as I am. He deserves that.

"I knew I would have found you here. You like walking and you like silence. And the snow is so beautiful."

And you are so bloody cute when you look at me like that…

"You were looking for me, why?"

He keeps silent and sits next to me on the bench.

I can feel my skin burning and my heart pounding madly in my chest.

Why am I so nervous? He's Malfoy. I hate him, right? I can't feel so anxious only because he's sitting so close to me.

I should hate him…

"I wanted to see you. I don't know why but I need to talk to you…you're the only one who listens to me. I know you don't like me and I can't blame you if you don't want to see me, but…"

But…?

He seems on the verge of tears and I feel like crying too.

"It…it doesn't matter, Malfoy…you can talk to me if you want to…"

I don't know why I've said that. Maybe it's because I'm tired of being lonely all the time. I need someone to talk to and even if he is Malfoy, he seems to be the only one who can truly understand how it feels like to be treated like a monster just because you're "different".

I haven't chosen to be gay. It's not my "fault". I don't feel wrong because of this.

He hasn't chosen to be a Malfoy. He has changed and has decided to become a better person but nobody gives him the possibility to do so. He's as unlucky as I am.

I know how he feels.

So, truce!

"Thanks, Harry", he smiles at me.

It's the fist time I see him smile. He's so handsome and he becomes so sweet and cute when he smiles…

"You-You're welcome…"

"What about having a hot chocolate in my room?"

"Ok...I like chocolate…do you have your own room?"

"Yes, I do. Dumbledore has given me a small room in the dungeons because the other Slytherins have tried to kill me when I said I thought that You-Know-Who was just an idiot…"

"You really said that?"

"Yes…"

"Oh…ok, maybe…maybe we should go and drink that chocolate, I'm freezing, you know…"

"Yeah, I'm freezing too, let's go!"

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

Malfoy's room is very small but clean and cozy. The walls are light green and there are a couple of paintings of French Impressionists.

I didn't know he loved Muggle Art.

The bed is quite big and looks really soft and warm. There is a bookcase full of books of different sizes and colours next to the writing desk.

I didn't know he liked reading.

I don't know much about him.

He's become a silent person. He is as gorgeous as usual , but all the problems he's facing seem to have made him more mature and his gestures and his eyes reflect the changes he's experiencing.

His hair is a bit longer than it used to be and it seems as soft as silk. I'd like to touch it. I'd like to touch him. He has a very slim body, milky-white skin and a fragile appearance.

I'd like to hug him and hold him for hours.

My body is fighting against my brain.

My head is screaming: "you hate him! How can you desire him? You're just a silly teenager facing a hormonal storm! Get a grip! Take a cold shower!"

"I'm sorry but I don't have a table, we'll have to sit on the bed…"

"Oh, it doesn't matter…"

Sit on the bed. His bed. I hope I won't jump him…

He conjures two cups with hot chocolate, gives me one and then sits next to me on the bed. We start drinking quietly. I can't help but stare at him. The tips of his fingers are becoming red in contact with the hot cup. I wonder what it would be like to kiss and lick all his fingers. One by one, slowly, oh so slowly that he would go crazy and then-

"Ehm, you must be wondering why I've asked you to come here."

Well, I was actually thinking about something else…

"You know, Harry, oh, do you mind if I call you Harry?"

"No, no problem."

My name sounds so strange in his mouth.

"You can call me Draco"

"Ok…Draco…"

His name sounds so sexy in my mouth.

"Well, Harry, I don't know how to start…I…I wanted to talk about death…"

"Death?"

"Yes…last week I…I…"

"You?"

"I tried to kill myself…"

"Really?!?"

"Yes, but I couldn't manage to…to do it…", he's panicking.

"Malf-Draco, calm down, just breath slowly and then start again. There's no need to be anxious, it's ok, you know, I can understand you."

He looks at me with a puzzled expression on his face.

"Have you…have you tried to kill yourself, Harry?"

"I've thought about it a billion times but I can't do that. So many people have died to save my life and now I think I owe them too much to waste everything just because the Wizarding World thinks I'm a fucking fag."

He stares at his shoes with a sorrowful expression. He's trying not to cry.

"Draco…"

"You're lucky, you know? Even if your life's a mess and everybody bothers you only because you're gay, you still have your friends and you have a reason for living. Someone has died for you. That means they loved you very much…"

"I'm sure your parents would have died to save you as well"

He looks at me and I can feel so much pain in his eyes that I'm almost choking.

"My father has tried to kill me"

"WHAT?!?"

A tear falls on his cheek and he wipes it away, ashamed.

"You know I've always been an aristocratic arrogant brat and I used to believe in all that crap about pure blood and Dark Arts, but I was brought up by two Death Eaters and I've never even taken into consideration the possibility that all they had taught me was something stupid and nonsense. I've never had a doubt because that was my world and they were my parents. My own blood. Pure blood. And then I met you…"

Me?

"You were so different from the Harry Potter I had always imagined but you were somehow attractive even if you were a clumsy frightened kid"

Attractive?

"But you didn't want to become my friend and now I can't blame you, but at the time I was so furious…I started bothering you, making fun of you and your friends, annoying you because I wanted to take my revenge…I hated you so much…"

He hated me…

"But then last year I realized something was wrong…I was so obsessed by you. I was always thinking about you, trying to find a way to draw your attention…it wasn't normal…It wasn't hate anymore, it was something more complicated than simple hate..."

He stops talking and starts blushing as he stares at his shoes again. He kicks them off and puts his feet on the bed; he leans his head on his knees and sighs.

"I…I realized I was in love with you…"

My heart stops beating. I stop breathing and my mouth hangs open.

Have I heard correctly?!?!

He was in love with me?!?!

IN LOVE??

WITH ME????

"I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what was the right thing to do. You were my enemy, I was the son of two death Eaters and I was supposed to become one sooner or later. I was supposed to kill you. But how could I? I loved you.."

He loved me…

"I couldn't talk to anybody. The War had already begun and I had chosen the worst moment to find out I was in love with my enemy."

In love…

"I decided to confess my feelings to Blaise Zabini. We were good friends and I trusted him. I shouldn't have. He told everything to my father…."

He makes a grimace and starts playing with a lock of his blond hair.

"He said I was a disgusting monster…a filthy little pervert…a fucking fag, a faggot, a bumboy, a queer, a poof, a poofter, a queen…I wasn't a human being and I wasn't his son…and then…" his voice is broken and he's sobbing quite loudly.

"Then he cast the cruciatus curse on me…on his son…on me"

He hides his face between his knees and cries like a baby; I can see his shoulders shake violently and I can't prevent myself from touching him.

He jumps surprised by the fact that I've touched him and he looks at me with wide eyes. He doesn't think I'm disgusting just because I'm gay, does he? He said he was in love with me…he's like me…but, hang on, does he still love me?

He said he loved me, what about now?

"Everything happened during our Christmas holidays. I was lucky, you know, because he found out I was a "monster" the last day of the holidays and therefore he had to send me back to school the following day. We still had a reputation…we were Malfoys…"

He pronounces his surname with a disgusted face, as if he were spitting poison.

"And then the War began, you and the Order kicked the Death Eaters' arses and killed You-Know-Who. I was left alone. My mother was sent to Azkaban and I couldn't accept that. I love her, she's still my mother even if she was a Death Eater. So I blamed you. I blamed you for making my life a nightmare. If I hadn't fallen in love with you, my father would have never tried to kill me, I would have managed to kill you and my mother wouldn't have been sent to prison. I blamed you for everything and I tried to hurt you. But then I understood it was not your fault. It was only mine and I was an idiot and a coward because I had blamed you. I tried to find a way to communicate to you, but the only way I knew was the usual one: teasing you. I thought you hated me too much to allow me to talk to you. So I kept on treating you in the old annoying way. I'm so sorry…"

He finishes his chocolate, looks at me and then says:

"However, Zabini died and my father went to prison, so nobody knows the truth about me."

"Now I do"

"Do you hate me for that?"

"How could I? You're just like me! You don't know how long I've been looking for someone who can understand how I feel, who feels the same…"

He stares at me with big sad grey eyes.

"I'm still in love with you, Harry…"

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

TBC

Please, review!!!!


	2. Excrucior

Odi et Amo

Author: Shushu

Rating: R (male/male sex in future chapters; and if you are some pathetic homophobic morons, you'd better sod off right now!)

Pairing: Harry/Draco

Disclaimers: All the characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and I am envious!

The song belongs to Tiziano Ferro and I'm just borrowing it because it's such a nice song and because Tiziano is the most sensitive guy on earth. Sorry if the translation sucks…

Author's notes: Thanks sooooooooo much to all the people who reviewed the story!!!!!!!!!! I've really appreciated all your e-mails!!

Silverflames03: I hope you'll laugh this time but I'm also happy you cried because I think that every writer's aim is conveying ideas and feelings, so it means I'm not as bad as I thought… Hpfish: here's the continuation. What kind of details would you like me to add? Descriptions? Just tell me and I'll do my best to improve. Spideria: don't worry, I've laughed! Thanks for all the compliments! Hpfansillygossling: thank you! I hope you like the continuation of the story. Mak Felton: My English teacher would be proud of hearing that! Thanks! The fact is that I don't have a beta reader and I'm afraid of making too many mistakes. If you find something wrong, please tell me, ok? SailorBaby16: I'm sorry for Harry too…but don't worry, there's Draco! Elensaa: I'm sorry, but my Harry is a bit clumsy, so you'll have to be a bit patient! MyLiFeIsRuInEd: Thanks and besides, this fic is quite "personal", so I've tried to make it as real as possible. Tsesshn: I hope you like the second chapter too Lena Silverwing: thank you for the cookies! 

And now, on with the show!

Chapter Two: **Excrucior**

__

"E scusa se ti amo e se ci conosciamo

da due mesi o poco più

E scusa se non parlo piano

Ma se non urlo muoio

Non so se sai che ti amo…

E scusami se rido, dall'imbarazzo cedo

Ti guardo fisso e tremo

All'idea di averti accanto

Esentirmi tuo soltanto

E sono qui che parlo emozionato

…e sono un imbranato"

Tiziano Ferro, _Imbranato_ (_Rosso Relativo_)

"Sorry if I love you and if we know each other

since just two months

And sorry if I don't speak slowly

But if I don't scream, I'll die

I don't know if you know I love you…

And sorry if I laugh, I surrender because of the embarrassment

I stare at you and tremble

At the thought of being beside you

And feeling I am only yours

And I am here talking excitedly

…and I am clumsy"

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

"I'm still in love with you, Harry…"

Oh my God!! Good grief!! What do I have to say????

He's in love with me!

Draco Malfoy is in love with me!

"I-I'm not telling you this because I want you to reply that you love me too…I know you hate me…I just needed to tell you how I feel". He blushes and avoids eye contact with me.

"Listen, Draco, I don't h-hate you, but…I don't know what to say; I've never thought you could fall in love with me and I don't know what I feel for you…I mean, I've spent six years hating you and then I realize that nothing in this whole damned world matters anymore since everybody's gone crazy…you…you're bloody sexy and you really turn me on" ,he is so red now that he looks like Ron, "but I don't know if it's just physical attraction or if I actually "like" you or if I could fall in love with you…"

He's fidgeting and biting his nails; he's very nervous and I'd like to calm him down but I don't know what to do.

"Draco…"

"Y-yes?"

"I was thinking…we can try to get to know each other a bit better, talk a bit and then maybe I'll find out if I can fall in love with you. What do you reckon?"

He seems suddenly very happy and smiles at me so sweetly that I think I'll melt.

"Ok…thank you, Harry"

"You're welcome."

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

I think I'll take a cold shower.

Before I left his room, Malfoy has whispered to me:

"Harry…you can make love to me, if you want to…even if you don't love me…"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What am I supposed to do???????????

I would jump him right now but I don't think it would be a good idea; I mean, he's in love with me (with me!) and shagging him would just mean take advantage of his feelings.

He's very fragile right now, I don't want to hurt him only because my hormones are driving me crazy.

I'm 17, for Heaven's sake, I would fuck half Hogwarts, but that doesn't allow me to have sex with Draco Malfoy, even if he seems so willing to do so.

And moreover, he has said "make love" and not "have sex".

Now, I'm still a virgin but I understand there is a difference between sex and love.

"Hi, Harry, how are you?" Ron enters our dormitories and smiles slightly at me.

"Fine, thanks, and you?"

"I'm freezing! I've been to Hogsmeade with 'Mione and she has forced me to look for Christmas presents all the afternoon, while all I wanted to do was having a hot coffee at the Three Broomsticks! I'm bloody tired!"

"Yeah, she's a slaver!"

We make fun of Hermione for a bit and then he says that even if she's a nuisance, he loves her.

"Ron, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course"

" What's the difference between having sex and making love?"

Maybe I've made the wrong question; his face is redder than his hair.

"I-I-I-…"

"It doesn't matter, Ron, I'm sorry."

"No-I mean…well, there's a difference but it's pretty hard to explain such a thing…many people claim it's the same thing but I don't think so…having sex with someone you love is much better…it's such beautiful and it feels like heaven…you can look at her and think you are the happiest person of the world because she's making love to you and she's so cute when she stares at you…and it feels so sweet when she thinks I'm asleep and she caresses my hair…I can't do the same with her because her hair is too bushy and once I got entangled in it and I awoke her…but it's so beautiful!"

Maybe it's a bit too complicated for a virgin like me, but at least I have understood that love is better than sex.

And also that Ron is a mess.

Poor Hermione…

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

Our first lesson on Monday morning is potions. When I arrive, Draco is already sitting at an empty desk, reading a book.

"Hi, can I sit next to you?"

He seems surprised, blushes and nods.

"What are you reading?"

"It's a novel, it's _Maurice_ by E.M. Forster. I've just started it and it's a very beautiful story."

"Do you like reading?"

"Yes, very much. But I've started reading Muggle books only recently. That's a pity, they're so amazing"

"Have you ever read anything written by David Leavitt?"

"Leavitt? No"

"He's an American writer. I like him very much. I can lend you _The Lost Language of Cranes, _if you want to."

"Oh, yes, thank you, that'd be wonderful."

We start talking about books, but then I hear someone laughing behind us. It's Seamus.

"Oi, Harry, got yourself someone to sodomize? Honestly, are you so desperate to pick up such rubbish? Why don't you fuck Snape, then?"

Before I can react and stun him, a cold voice says:

"Tut-tut, Mr Finnigan; 5 points will be taken from Gryffindor for believing I would have a sexual intercourse with a Gryffindor and other 5 points for insulting Mr Malfoy. Mr Potter, I suggest that you don't take Mr Finnigan's stupid comments into consideration. They aren't worth a fight."

Wow!

I'm positively surprised! Snape who stands for us!

That's unbelievable!

Go Snape!

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

I have a "date" with Draco in the library at 4 o'clock. We'll study together. He's really good at potions and DADA but he has some problems with transfiguration. If we help each other, maybe we'll finish our homework earlier, so we can talk a bit.

Hermione is surprised to see us together, but she treats Draco very kindly anyway.

Ron, on the other hand, is horror-struck. He keeps on staring at him as if Draco were a huge hairy spider. He's annoying me and embarrassing Draco.

"Harry, maybe we should study in my room…", Draco whispers to me.

"Yes, I think it's better…I'm sorry Draco"

"It doesn't matter and, besides, it's not your fault"

We take our books, say goodbye to a sorry Hermione and leave the library.

"Ron, you're an idiot!", I hear Hermione hiss.

I guess she's right.

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

Draco is a very tidy person. Not only is his room clean and neat, but all his books and notes are perfectly kept, his handwriting is elegant and almost artistic.

I'm a bit ashamed of my half-destroyed books and my barbaric scribbles.

Draco laughs.

"Come on, Harry, don't be so mean to yourself! You have a lot of amazing qualities. Maybe you're not very tidy, but it's not a catastrophe!"

"You say that! I'm a hopeless case…I'll never become a tidy person and I'll always live in a complete mess!"

We laugh and he pretends to console me, while e can't deny the fact that I'm really hopeless.

It's been so much since I've laughed like this. It feels so great.

I feel happy.

"Thanks, Draco"

"For what?"

"For making me laugh"

He smiles and giggles.

"You're welcome and besides _you_ are the amusing one…"

"That's unfair! I'm really offended! I guess I'll have to punish you now"

"Punish?!?"

"Yes…I'll tickle you to death!"

"You won't"

"I will!"

"You won't"

"I will!"

And I chase him until we land on his bed and I start tickling him.

I've never thought Draco Malfoy would be so ticklish. He can't stop laughing and he's so cute.

"Please, ah ah ah , please stop!"

"Ok"

I smile at him and stop tormenting him. And it's then I realize I'm sitting on top of him on his bed.

Oooooops…

We blush almost at the same time.

I hope my little Harry there will stay still…

"D-Draco, I'm sorry…"

"I-i-it doesn't matter"

We keep silent.

Perhaps I have to say something.

What do I have to say??

Say something, Harry!

Anything!

"Maybe I should go…it's almost dinner time"

Noooooooooo!!!!!

I'm an idiot!!!!!!!!!

Why have I said that??

I want to stay!

Draco, beg me to stay, please!

Kiss me senseless and ravish me!

"Ok…"

Noooo!!!!!

I don't want to go!

It's not "ok"…

I get off him and mutter a goodbye and then I leave his room.

I'm halfway between his room and my Tower, when I remember my books. I've left them in his room!

I go back to the dungeons and realize I don't remember the password of his painting.

I'm really a hopeless case…

I start calling him and after a while he opens the door.

His eye are red and I can understand he has been crying even if he's trying to hide it.

"Yes?"

"I…I forgot my books"

"Oh…"

He seems more depressed than before and sniffs.

"They're on my writing desk"

I enter and take my books while he stands near the door, looking at me with dark grey wet eyes.

"Draco, I'm sorry…"

"For what?"

I don't know.

For making you cry because I'm an idiot?

For wanting to ravish you right now?

For what I am about to do?

I let my books fall on the floor, I walk slowly until I'm in front of him. I stare at his beautiful sad eyes and even if I'm not touching him, I can feel every inch of his body next to mine. I can feel his warm breath on my cheeks.

Maybe I am doing the wrong thing, maybe I shouldn't be here with him, maybe I'll just make it worse for us.

Maybe…

But all I can do now to prevent him from suffering even more because of me is get even closer to him, so close that I fear he could hear my heart beating madly in my chest, and brush my lips slightly against his.

He has the softest lips of the world…

He sighs and trembles.

Oh, I want to linger like this forever…

He opens his lips inviting me to slide my tongue into his mouth.

I lick his lower lip slowly and then enter his mouth where I find his tongue waiting for me.

I'm melting….

I can't think about anything; all I know is I am kissing a sweet angel and it is so delightful.

He tastes like sugar.

He's like fresh water when you're thirsty.

Like an ice-cream on the hottest day of summer.

Like the sweets you managed to steal from the highest cupboard of the kitchen.

Like strawberries and cream.

The sweetest thing I've ever tasted.

As I explore his mouth and he explores mine, our lips collide a thousand times. He touches my face with gentle hands and I embrace him tightly.

I don't want to end this beautiful reverie.

Please, let me die like this…

"Mr. Malfoy, are you in?", says someone all of a sudden.

We part and we look at each other, panting and with swollen lips.

He's so damn hot…

"Mr. Malfoy??", calls the voice again.

Draco opens the door without saying a word.

It's Snape.

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

TBC

Sorry for the cliffie! Don't hate me…and please review (even if you think I'm a bastard…)


	3. Da mi basia mille

Odi et Amo

Author: Shushu

Rating: R (slash in the next -and last- chapter, keep on waiting!)

Pairing: Harry/Draco

Disclaimers: All the characters belong to J.K. Rowling, blah blah blah…

Author's notes: Thanks to all the people who have reviewed (and thanks to everyone who has reviewed Nocturne).

Sorry if it too a bit to update, but I had to study for an exam…

Lampshadesrgreat: thanks a lot!

Anon: I hope you like this poem too, thanks for the translation

Mak Felton: sorry if I've made you wait…

Petite Dilly: Merciiiii beaucoup! J'ai cherché à être réaliste, mais j'ai un peu exagéré, peut-être…je déteste l'homophobie!

Hpfish: Draco and Harry are HOT!

We Hate Piggiears20: your e-mail scared me a bit, but thanks anyway

silverflames03: maybe this time I'll manage to make you laugh

Prince Sadi: I love Snape and if I write the sequel of this fic, he'll certainly have a bigger role. Thanks!

SunGoddess1: it was a pretty evil cliffie, sorry!

Psymon Obsidian The Dark Queen: thanks!! I'm studying Foreign Languages at university and I still have to improve, but thanks!

Hpfansillygossling: -blushes- thanks!

I've tried to translate the poem but translating from Latin into English is not very easy, since they are both foreign languages for me…I love Catullus!

Thanks again to all the people who sent me those wonderful reviews!! You really really really make me happy!!

Chapter Two: **Da mi basia mille**

__

"Da mi basia mille, deinde centum,

dein mille altera, dein secunda centum,

deinde usque altera mille, deinde centum.

Dein, cum milia multa fecerimus,

Conturbabimus illa, ne sciamus

Aut ne quis malus invidere possit,

cum tantum sciat esse basiorum."

Catullus, 5

"Give me a thousand kisses, then a hundred,

Then another thousand, then a second hundred,

then yet thousand, then a hundred.

Then, when we have made up many thousands,

we will confuse the sums, in order not to know the reckoning,

and avoid any malicious person from envying us,

when they know that our kisses are so many."

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

"P-P-P-Professor Snape!!!", I manage to say.

"Mr. Potter? Why are you here?" he asks seeming amused.

"I …ehm…we…eeerrr…"

"We were doing homework!", Draco shouts.

"Yes! We were studying together!", I add.

Snape raises an eyebrow and asks:

"Then why are Mr. Potter's books on the floor?"

Bloody Hell!

"Eeerrr…"

"He let them fall when you called me! He was so surprised to hear your voice that he let all his books fall…", says Draco.

Snape doesn't seem very convinced.

"However, Severus, what brings you here?", asks Draco.

Hey, hang on, _Severus_?!?!

"I need to talk to you, Draco", says Snape.

__

Draco??!?!?

"In private" adds Snape glowering at me.

Botheration!

Draco looks disappointed and pouts. Soooo kawaii.

"I'm sorry, Harry"

"See you later, then. Goodbye, Professor Snape."

"Goodbye Potter"

As I leave the room, I start thinking about our kiss.

It was so beautiful…

So breathtakingly amazing…

So sweeeeet…

Oh, Draco…

Sigh…

Damned Snape!

He has interrupted our first kiss!

I'll never forgive him; even if he's been so kind to me this morning.

Come to think of it, Snape who is kind to me?!

Kind?!

To me!?

There must be something strange…

He has defended me when Seamus was making fun of my homosexuality.

…

Hey!

What if Snape were gay too?

Then he didn't want to stand up for me; he was fighting for gay rights!

And I've just left him alone with Draco!

What if he rapes my Draco?

Holy Jesus, I'm an idiot!

I have to save him!!!

"Hey Harry, you are going to dinner, aren't you? I'll come with you", it's Hermione.

"Err, no, I'm sorry but I'm going to…to…"

"To?"

"Well, I…I…it's actually something quite private"

"Private? Are you up to something, Harry?", she asks frowning.

"No, no, it's just…"

"Malfoy?"

"Yes, I mean NO! No, it's not him, it's…"

And then God hears my prayers and my blond angel comes to save me.

"Harry, I'm so sorry, Snape wanted to talk to me and he has been a bit rude to you. Hi, Granger"

"Hi, Malfoy", she smiles at him and looks sideways at me and then asks:

"Can we go to dinner now?"

"Ok", I say.

"Can I come with you?", asks Draco shyly.

"Of course you can. You will sit next to me", I state.

Draco looks blissful.

"Thanks, Harry"

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

Draco eats really little. Maybe too little.

But he talks a lot.

Now he's talking to Hermione about Ancient Runes, while I am trying to convince Ron that Draco is not a murderous Death Eater. But Ron is very stubborn.

When we finish our meal, I'd like to go back to Draco's room and continue our previous "occupation", but Hermione doesn't stop talking to him and seems to ignore me.

I think she's doing that on purpose.

Ron looks very jealous and this is quite amusing -if only he knew Draco's gay!

"I think I should go now" says Draco.

Nooooo!!!

Don't leave me!

"It's been a real pleasure talking to you, Hermione"

__

Hermione?

"See you, Weasley"

…

"Harry, you forgot your books in my room this afternoon. You can come with me and take them now, if you want to. I think you'll need them to revise what we've studied, won't you?"

He's a genius and I really cherish him.

I grin and nod.

"Yes, I think I'll have to study a bit more…see you later 'Mione, Ron"

And I follow my sweet angel.

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

"Amor ch'a nullo amato amar perdona" states Draco and the painting of his room opens.

"What does it mean?"

"It's a line taken from _The Divine Comedy _by Dante Alighieri. He's a XIV century Italian writer. It's Francesca, a woman Dante meets during his trip to Hell, who says: "amor ch'a nullo amato amar perdona" and it means that you can't prevent yourself from loving someone who loves you. That's why Francesca fell in love with her brother-in-law Paolo and betrayed her ugly husband."

"And what happened to them?"

"They were killed by Francesca's husband who caught them while they were making love."

"How unlucky!"

"And they were sent to Hell because they were _lustful_"

"Poor fellows…"

"Yep"

We enter Draco's room and close the door behind our backs. Draco stares at me with a playful smile on his perfect face.

"I'm sorry Snape interrupted us before"

"Me too…what did he want, by the way?"

"He had a message from Dumbledore"

"Dumbledore?"

"Yes", the smile on his lips fades and I understand I've made the wrong question.

How stupid!

"I've asked Dumbledore the permission to go home for Christmas. Malfoy Manor is mine now, since my parents are in Azkaban. But the problem is I'm still underage and so I can't stay there all alone"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Draco"

"What are you going to do during our Christmas holidays, Harry?"

"I'm spending them here, as usual. I have nowhere else to go…"

We look like two lonely unlucky orphans.

I have an idea.

"We could spend the holidays together. What do you reckon?"

He seems surprised by my proposal, but then he grins from ear to ear and says:

"It would be brilliant!"

I need to kiss him.

He's so sweet when he smiles…

"Draco, can I…can I…"

"?"

"Can I k-k-kiss you?"

He smiles sheepishly, gets near and kiss me oh so slightly on my lips.

"Of course you can", he whispers.

Merlin, I'm going to die…

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

When I go back to Gryffindor Tower, it's pretty late, my lips are red and swollen, my hair is messier than usual and I think I have a couple of hickeys on my neck.

I definitely need a cold shower.

"Hi, Harry. I think we need to talk"

I should have guessed that Hermione wouldn't have let me go to bed without telling me off before. She's alone in the common room, apparently waiting for me.

"Isn't there something you want to tell me?", she asks.

"Err…nighty night, perhaps?"

"Ah bloody ah"

"Ok, Hermione, chill out…I'm sorry I haven't told you everything before, but I was so confused and I actually didn't know what was happening."

Her eyes are shining with expectation.

"Sit down and tell me everything!"

Sometimes I think she'd better watch a soap opera instead of tormenting me in order to satisfy her need of romance…

I sit down beside her and start eating one of her biscuits.

"Are you in love with Malfoy? Is he gay ? Have you kissed? Have you shagged? What about Snape? Is he gay too? Is it a threesome???"

"HERMIONE!!! Get a grip!! Are you mad?!"

"Ooops, I'm sorry…I think a got a bit involved…"

Is she insane?

She's the hell of a slasher!

"Yes, Malfoy's gay and we have kissed. He says he's in love with me but I don't know if I'm in love with him and no, no ,no, absolutely NO, we don't have a ménage à trois with Snape!"

She seems disappointed but smiles anyway.

Sometimes she scares me…

"Have you shagged?"

"Err, no, not yet"

"Not _yet_?"

I think I'm blushing scarlet.

"I-I-I really like him and he turns me on so much I would do it right now, but he says he wants to make love to me, so I think I should wait until I find out if I'm in love with him."

Hermione smiles and hugs me.

"You're such a good boy, Harry"

"Th-Thanks"

"You're doing the right thing and besides I think it's better not to go too fast. Malfoy seems very fragile now, be careful or you'll hurt him."

"Ok"

"But make love to him as soon as you're ready. He's sooooo hot!"

"Hermione!!!"

She bursts out laughing and I do the same.

"Anyway, are you two officially dating?"

"I think so. And moreover I'm going to spend the Christmas holidays with him"

"Wow, that's so romantic!"

"He's going to ask Snape if I can sleep in his room during the holidays"

"And you think he'll agree?"

"Draco says he certainly will since Snape is his godfather and, besides, he's gay too"

"Snape's gay?!?!"

"Shush! It's a secret! You don't have to tell a soul, right?"

"Ok, I promise"

"He really loves Draco as a son and he'd do anything for him"

And I was right about him…he's _gayer_ than me!

"So you're going to spend some nights in his room…"

"Yes…"

"Sleeping in his bed…"

"Right…"

I wonder when she has become so pervert…

"Is he a virgin?", she asks innocently.

"Yes, he has told me I'm the first person he has ever kissed"

"How cute! I would have never thought that a guy like Malfoy had never been kissed. He's such a nice piece of ass…"

…

I wonder if she's planning to take pictures of Draco and me making out.

Maybe I should ask someone to help me…

"Harry, please, don't hurt him!"

"I won't"

"I can teach you some lubricant spells"

"HERMIONE!!"

"What?"

"Where have you learnt these things?!?"

"Books, of course. Since Ron is pretty clumsy, I am the one who has to look for this kind of things. Do you need one?"

"Eerr, I think I'll go to bed" and before she can argue, I say goodnight and hide inside my dorm.

Ron awakes as I put my pyjamas on and asks me sleepily:

"Harry, have you been in Malfoy's room all the evening?"

"Yes"

"Have you…I mean, have you…did you…have you shagged him?"

"Not yet"

I get under the covers and say goodnight to him.

"**_Not Yet_**?!?!?" I hear him mutter ten minutes later.

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

TBC

Review, pretty please!!!!!

Next chapter will be the last one (and there will be a lot of slash).


	4. Amo

Odi et Amo

Author: Shushu

Rating: R (sex between two boys, quite graphic scenes! You've been warned!)

Pairing: Harry/Draco

Disclaimers: All the characters belong to J.K. Rowling, blah blah blah…I just make them have some fun together. The world needs more slash!

The quotation is from Dante's _Divine Comedy_ and I've decided not to translate it, I would only spoil it. I've found some translations on the net, if you want to read 

Author's notes: Hi! I'd like to thank all the people who have read this fic and have sent me such wonderful reviews! You're amazing!

MishapsErrors: thank you soooooo much! You really make me happy

Zelphie: here's the last chappie, hope you like it!

Ozumas girl: thanks for all the reviews you've sent me. It's nice to hear that my story "rocks", lol!

Serena: there's more "not yet" in this chapter, are you happy?

Ura: thanks, I like cute people! And Harry is soooo cute…

Dilly: Merci! Aimes-tu les Sev/Lucius???

Driven to insanity: thanks, thanks, thanks!

I hope you like the last chapter too (it's actually the first time I write a slash scene…). Next week I'm going to leave my country and move to France to study there for a year, so I don't know if I'll be able to write fanfics, since I won't have my computer there, but I'll try anyway. If you want a sequel, I'll do my best to satisfy you!

Chapter Three: **Amo**

__

"Amor, ch'al cor gentil ratto s'apprende

prese costui della bella persona

che mi fu tolta; e 'l modo ancor m'offende.

Amor, ch'a nullo amato amar perdona,

Mi prese del costui piacer sì forte,

Che, come vedi, ancor non m'abbandona.

Amor condusse noi ad una morte.

Caina attende chi a vita ci spense."

Dante, _La Divina Commedia_, Inferno V 100-107

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

"I'm so sorry, Harry!"

"You don't have to be sorry! Just relax and sleep a bit."

"Aren't you angry?"

"No! Why should I be?"

"I've spoilt everything…"

"It's not true, Draco. You should be kinder to yourself, you know"

"I just wanted to make everything perfect for you"

"And you've put too much effort into the preparation for our holidays, and as a result, you caught a stress fever! I'm not angry, I'm just worried. You should be more careful, you just have one body, don't treat it too badly."

"Ok"

He's so sorry that I feel sorry too.

I smile at him and kiss his forehead, it's still quite hot.

"Try to rest a bit, now. I'll go and say goodbye to Ron and Hermione and then I'll come back, ok?"

"Ok"

I get up from his bed and walk towards the door of his room.

"See you later, honey"

Oh my God, I've just called him _honey!_

Maybe he hasn't noticed because of the fever…

"Harry"

"Hm?"

"I love you"

Oh, Merlin!

"Draco, I…I-I…"

"It doesn't matter, Harry", he smiles at me.

"Hermione and Ron are leaving, hurry up!"

"See you, then" 

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

"Hermione!"

"Oh, Harry, here you are, finally. How's Draco?"

"He's sleeping now, Madame Pomfrey says he's very stressed and he caught a fever. It's nothing serious and tomorrow he'll feel perfectly well thanks to the potion she has given him, but I'm worried anyway"

"Take care of him"

"I certainly will, but he firstly has to take care of himself. He's a very nervous person and works ceaselessly until he has reached perfection. He's worked all night long to tidy his room, which has no need to be cleaned since it's already perfect! I wonder what he would do, if he saw my room…"

"Probably nothing, since all he wants to do is be perfect and not make _you_ perfect"

"It's all his parents' fault. They've brought him up telling him that he had to become the perfect heir of the Malfoy family. And even if he tries to change, some habits are very hard to die"

"Maybe with your help, he'll be able to find happiness…I'm sure he will"

"I hope so because I want him to be happy. He deserves that"

"Harry, are you going to, you know, to…"

"To?"

"To…to make love to him?"

Why is she so curious?

Why?

"NOT YET?!?!? What does it mean?", yells Ron, running towards us.

"I beg your pardon?", says Hermione puzzled.

"NOT YET?!", he says to me.

"Yeah, not yet, why?"

"But it's Malfoy!"

"And so?"

"He's changed, Ron", says Hermione.

"Are you sure?", asks Ron.

"Ron, I love him!"

Oh my God!

I've said it!

I've said I love him!!

Am I sure?

"Are you sure?", asks Ron becoming very pale.

"Oh, Harry, it's so wonderful! I'm so happy! Go to Draco and tell him!"

How do I tell him a thing like this?

"He loves Malfoy…", murmurs Ron.

"Yes, he does! It's so bloody brilliant!", Hermione looks really blissful and starts jumping around.

I'm quite frightened…

"Miss Granger, Mr Weasley, it's time to go!"

"Oh that's a pity! Well, Merry Christmas, Harry"

"Merry Christmas, 'Mione"

"He's in love with Malfoy…"

"Bye, Ron"

"He's in love with Malfoy…"

Hermione rolls her eyes and drags him away.

I'm in love with Draco…

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

Before I go back to Draco's room, I go into my dorms and take my things. I'm going to spend a week in Draco's room and I need some clothes.

There's a book on my bed with a red ribbon around the cover.

It's a present from Hermione.

The title of the book is: _Gay Kamasutra. One hundred spells for your hot nights_.

I sigh and shake my head.

"Hermione…"

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

Since Draco was sleeping like an angel when I came back to his room, I decided to sit on his armchair and watch him sleeping, but I've fallen asleep.

I was very tired because last night I couldn't fall asleep. I was too excited at the thought of spending my holidays with him…

When I wake up it's late; it's two o'clock in the morning.

Draco is awake and is sitting on his bed, looking out of the window.

The moon illuminates his beautiful face.

His delicate features shine like white porcelain.

He turns and smiles at me.

"You've fallen asleep on my armchair."

"I'm sorry. I was rather tired, I haven't slept last night."

"Why?"

"I was too excited…"

He chuckles and says:

"Me too, you know?"

I smile at him and get up to sit on his bed beside him.

"Get under the covers, it's freezing cold"

I do as he says. My heart starts beating madly in my chest.

His body is so warm and soft next to mine.

I need him.

I need his thin fragile body.

I need his small hands.

I need his big grey eyes which are gazing at me with such love.

I need his soft lips.

" I need you, Draco"

His lips open slightly and start trembling a bit. A tear rolls down his cheek.

I don't want to make him cry.

I kiss the tear away and then put my lips on his closes eyelids.

"Harry…"

I kiss him and he entangles his fingers in my messy hair and starts stroking it.

It feels so beautiful to kiss him under the moonlight with his white skin glowing in the dark.

I start undressing him slowly. I want to touch and kiss every inch of his warm body. He's so lovely when he stares at me with pleading eyes and sighs as I kiss and bite his neck.

He takes my shirt off and starts unbuttoning my jeans.

I moan as he caresses me there.

"Draco, please…"

He takes my boxers off and now I'm completely naked at his sweet mercy.

I want him.

I undress him completely and start kissing his chest, his shoulders, his hands, his fingers.

I lick and suck them one by one and he moans loudly.

His hands are all over me.

He licks my nipples and kisses his way down my chest and puts his tongue inside my navel.

I need him.

"Draco…"

Our lips meet again and I explore his mouth covering his moans and sighs.

"Harry…"

My hard-on is starting to ache.

He takes it into his hands and starts stroking my erected member.

Oh, Merlin…

I'm going to die…it feels so good…

"D-Draco…stop, please…"

He stops and looks at me with a worried expression on his face.

"Have I hurt you?"

"No, no, don't worry; it's just I don't want to come right now…"

"Oh…"

I smile at him and kiss his lips.

"Can I make love to you, Draco?"

He blushes and nods.

I touch his member and then kiss it.

He begs me to go on and I take it into my mouth and start sucking it slowly. I'm driving him crazy and he starts whimpering and crying softly, so I suck harder until he comes in my mouth.

I love him.

I love his eyes darkened by pleasure.

I love the small tears on the corner of his eyes.

I love his accelerated breath.

I even love the droplets of sweat that linger on his chest.

"Harry…"

"I love you, Draco"

"I love you too", he says.

He spreads his legs and I prepare him by inserting a finger inside his entrance.

I cast a lubricant spell and then I add another finger.

I don't want to hurt him.

"Draco, if I hurt you, please tell me to stop, ok?"

"Don't worry, Harry"

"I don't want to hurt you, love"

I think I'm going to cry.

My heart is going to crash into a thousand pieces.

I've never thought that loving someone could make you feel so insecure and fragile…

"You won't hurt me, honey", he smiles reassuringly at me and caresses my cheek.

"Love you"

I enter him slowly and carefully.

It feels so good to be inside him.

I can't even say where I finish and he starts.

I'm inside him and it feels like heaven.

"Does it hurt, Draco?", I whisper.

"Just a bit, don't worry…"

I feel he's lying, so I wait a little before starting moving.

We make love slowly and lovingly.

We come almost at the same time and I'm lost for words.

It was so brilliant…

I take him in my arms and kiss him slightly. And I finally understand what Ron meant, what those books Hermione likes and Aunt Petunia used to read to Dudley when he was a child talked about: love.

I finally understand what love is.

I've never been loved like this by anyone in my life. And as Draco takes my hand and puts it onto his cheek, kissing it slightly, I understand what it feels like to be really loved.

I am happy.

Truly happy, for the first time in my life. I feel loved.

We fall asleep entangled in each other's arms and I know I will sleep peacefully until the end of time.

þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ

"Merry Christmas, Harry"

"Merry Christmas, honey"

We are unwrapping our Christmas presents on the bed.

We've just made love and I can still feel the heat of his body all over mine.

I unwrap Hermione's present and I gulp. It's a box and as I open it I see: some lubricant, Bertie Bott's Every Flavoured Condoms (!!!), handcuffs, a dildo (do we need it?), a whip (a whip?!?) and massage oils.

"That's wicked!", yells Draco excitedly.

"She's mental…"

We burst out laughing and we end up snogging on the bed.

"I love you"

"I love you too"

"Harry?"

"Yes?"

"What are you going to do when the school ends?"

"I don't know. I have nowhere to go…"

He grins and kisses me on my nose.

"You can come with me to Malfoy Manor, if you want to. It's empty and it's all mine now. We could spend the holidays there and then you can decide if you want to stay there with me or if you prefer moving somewhere else…"

I think I've never been so happy in my entire life.

"Oh, Draco, I'd really love to live with you! Are you sure?"

"Yes, of course I am!"

Maybe it's a bit too early. Maybe we are too young and foolish. Maybe the other wizards will try to spoil our happiness.

Maybe…but I don't care!

I don't care about them, I don't care if I'm a fool and I don't care if I'm too young.

All I know is I love him and he loves me.

And that's more than enough for me.

"Hey, Harry, there's another present from Hermione here"

"Oh my God…"

The End

Review, pleaseeee!!!!!


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